Join us. Or don’t. We’re not great at hiring.
Welcome to the Careers Page, where dreams go to almost come true. Are you tired of professional work environments, clear expectations, and competitive salaries? So are we.
We might be hiring. We might not be. Honestly, nobody’s really sure.
Why Work With Us?
- Flexible Hours – We don’t really track time. Just kind of… show up when you remember?
- Remote-Friendly – We assume you’re working from somewhere. That’s good enough for us.
- Unlimited Coffee – As long as you bring your own. Our coffee machine broke in 2022.
- Team Culture – We have one! We just haven’t defined it yet.
- Growth Opportunities – Mostly in the form of personal confusion and spiritual tests.
Positions We’re Probably Hiring For:
🧑💻 Lead Intern, Assistant to the Assistant (Unpaid, of course)
Your job is to look busy and nod confidently in Zoom meetings. No actual responsibilities—unless something goes wrong, then it’s your fault.
🧼 Chief Vibe Inspector
Ensure the office playlist is always chaotic-neutral and the vibes remain weird but acceptable.
🖼️ Junior Aesthetic Saboteur
We need someone to make our site just ugly enough to scare away serious users, but not so ugly that it crashes browsers. Think “graphic design is my passion” energy.
📞 Customer Support Whisperer
Answer emails from confused users with vague yet comforting responses. Must be fluent in passive-aggressive professionalism.
🔮 Idea Rejector
We need someone to attend meetings, hear ideas, and say, “Eh, that’s too good for us.” Very important role. Possibly the most respected on the team.
Don’t See a Job That Fits You?
Apply anyway. We’re always on the lookout for new people to blame when things go wrong.
Apply Now
Send us your résumé, a poorly formatted cover letter, and a picture of your pet (mandatory) to careers@us.com.
We review applications quarterly, or when Mercury is in retrograde—whichever comes first.
Building a team of people who kind of know what they’re doing since… we forgot when.